Broken Heart

Even though this is a week of Thanksgiving, and celebrating – I am entering this with a broken heart. 

Sunday morning we woke to find our amazing and loving dog had passed away during the night.

Jack was such a huge part of our family that we are lost without him. 

My girls are sad, especially Elyzabeth.  Her best friend is gone, and she is devastated. 

But what has broken my heart even more, is my greatest friend lost her mother last night. 

In January, it will be 2 years since my mother in law passed… and it still feels as fresh as if it was yesterday.  The loss is so deep, words cannot come close to describing.

So, as I write this… Jess- please know I love you and I am here for you.  Know that you and your family are constantly in my thoughts during this difficult time.   And anything you need… I am just a phone call away.

So – Hug your loved ones! Cherish the closeness of family (even if you aren't getting along.)  And be there for each other when it seems like the world is falling apart.    Because, we are only as strong as the people around us.  

Fatal Flaws

As a parent, I sometimes forget how much my first grader hears and understands.  Sometimes I wonder how long she thinks about things before she asks me…

This morning she says:  “Mom, did you know that kids die if their parents leave them in the car too long?  Why would any parent do that?”  Apparently she heard the news over the summer while at the cabin with her dad.

I had to stop for a moment and collect my thoughts with this one.   I could easily ridicule the parents who have left a child in a car that resulted in death.  I could easily explain to her that those parents are bad parents and I would NEVER do that.  

But, the truth is…  I HOPE I never do that.  I HOPE I am one of the lucky ones that will never have to experience the loss of a child, especially at my own hands.  And I HOPE any parents I know will never experience it either.

It is so easy for parents to act perfect, like we have it all together.  But we don’t.  We forget to pack lunches, or send sunscreen with our kids to school.  We forget to check homework and leave field trip permission forms on the kitchen counter.   We forget to do laundry and send our kids to school with dirty socks or socks that don’t match.

WE ARE NOT PERFECT, luckily for the majority of parents, our failures are not fatal.  Our kids won’t starve by missing lunch one day, missing a field trip won’t cause our children to be taken away from us, and dirty clothes are just dirty clothes (After all…no one will notice-your kids get dirty at school anyways.)

Can you honestly say you have never:

·        Driven past daycare on your way to work, just to turn around and drive right back?

·        Forgotten to pick up your kid from school/sports/church? Or thought your spouse was picking up?

·        Forgot to buckle your kids seatbelt on your hurried rush out the door in the morning?

·        Forgot to bring the dog in for the night?

·        Been so tired you can’t remember driving to work?

·        The parents who say they have NEVER done any of the above – I call shenanigans! 

It is so easy to criticize the parents who left their kids in the car, but what is it that made you realize you missed the turn for daycare?  What was it that kept you safe while you drove to work completely exhausted and disconnected from the present?

How horrible would we all feel if all our failures were captured in the public eye?

“A Crystal mother forgot to do laundry and sent her first grader to school with dirty socks!”   “A first grader was left behind at school while rest of her class went on a field trip all because her mother forgot to send back the permission slip.”

And don’t forget the commentary. 

“Oh My – how hard is it to do laundry?  I mean you just throw the clothes in the washer… It’s not rocket science.”

“That mom should be charged… I mean really, she couldn’t send the permission slip back?  It’s neglect, that’s what it is.”

Come on people - Get Real!  It could as easily be one of us burying our precious child. 

“Elyzabeth, those parents made a mistake.  Just like when I forget to make you a lunch on gross lunch days.”

“So those parents are sad because their kids are dead?” 

Yes, those parents are very very sad.  And the last thing they need is other parents carrying on like we are perfect.

Tonight, when I forget to help my daughter with her homework or make her a lunch for tomorrow - I will be grateful that my mistakes are not fatal, grateful that my child screamed at the right time so I could turn around and drop her off at day care, and grateful that I can raise a child who knows I am not perfect and loves me anyways.

SWIM! OR DIE TRYING

A little over a year ago, our family welcomed Rebekah into the world.  Although she was literally ripped from my abdomen, it was an amazing experience.  Remembering Elyzabeth hold and hug her new baby sister still makes my heart swell. 

What I wasn’t ready for, was the overwhelming feeling of defeat.  4 weeks of recovery after my C-Section, followed by exhaustion and depression was not what I had signed up for.   I was expecting a smooth transition from parent of 1 to parent of 2.  But nothing went as planned. 

In an attempt to make the most of the summer, we put Elyzabeth in swimming lessons during the day. After all, I was home all day…what else was I going to do?    

The lessons went well.  Each day she got a little braver, but by no means was she swimming.  By the end of the second session (4 weeks) she was finally floating on her back and her stomach.  So, in the fall, she moved into level 2.  

“LEVEL 2?,” I thought panicky.  “She is totally not ready for level 2!”  So at each lesson I sat in the observation deck, at the edge of the seat ready to jump in and rescue my precious child.  Every time the teacher would let her go, my heart would race and I would panic a little more. 

It was hard for me to believe that my Elyzabeth was not only learning how to swim, but also learning how to read, write and be self-sufficient.     As much as I was excited for her to advance and grow, I was also scared of what could happen.  

Will she get picked on at school?    Will she fail to learn what is expected?  Will she get hurt and I will meet her in the ER? 

So between swimming, school, Church and Dance – we had a full week.  Crazy, full and Elyzabeth was loving every minute of it.    However, my feeling of failure was worse than ever.  I wasn’t getting the laundry done; Dishes were continually piled in the sink.   I was sinking!   

Somewhere in all the sinking, I learned to swim.    I learned that 5 minutes in the morning to throw a load of laundry in was enough to keep me a float.   A few minutes of dishes at the end of the day kept the kitchen usable and less smelly.  And that taking time out of all of it to just “be” with my girls went a long way to helping me survive.  And acknowledging that my house will NEVER be perfect helped a lot too.

I took Elyzabeth and one of her friends swimming last night – and I was amazed at how far she has come in the last year.  She can do laps, jump in the deep end… all without my help.   It might not be pretty, but she isn’t sinking.

She doesn’t need my help with ever thing anymore, but she will always need my love and encouragement.   And that, I have in spades.

So the next year, we are going to SWIM or Die Trying! 

Swim Team, Awana, Dance and homework with an 18month old tagging along. 

What’s the worst that can happen?  Someone will rescue me from my insanity! 

I am Woman, Hear Me Roar!

What makes you feel strong? 

As women, we are typically placed in the soft and caring roll.  As a mother, that is exactly what we should be – at least part of the time.  We need to be there to comfort our children, wipe their tears and banish their fears.

What about the part of all of us that is constantly buried under our other responsibilities and demands of others in our life? And what about those amazing woman out there that aren’t parents?  What makes them feel strong, and keep them from being lost in the fray?  

I believe that at some point, we all want to feel strong.  Not physically strong (although that is pretty cool, too.) But an inner strength that helps us hold our heads high as we walk down the street.  The strength that helps us get thru a day where everything just falls apart around us.  Strength to keep going through the crap and despair.   

As a child, my aunts used to play 45s and have an old school dance party in my grandma’s living room (No Twerking involved!).  One of the songs that I remember the most was “I am Woman, Hear me Roar.”  I remember it making me feel strong, unstoppable and determined.

As the years have gone by, I have found other songs that have made me feel the same way, most of them by Miranda Lambert and Pistol Annie’s.  But when the song is done, I am still reminded that it is NOT my song, NOT my voice bringing the feelings to the surface, NOT my hand writing the words.

So I struggle with needing to feel strong by myself, on my own and in my own way. 

And that is where Yoga comes in.  The forms and flow of YOGA make me feel strong.  Last night as I stood in Warrior II – I felt the power and strength of my spirit.   The deep breathing and focused energy revitalized my soul and lifted my spirits.  And the best part of all; I only did a 15 minutes yoga series. 

15 minutes to make me feel strong.   So tonight, when I get ready to do my YOGA, I am going to teacdh my daughter YOGA.  I am going to help her feel strong, and independent (don’t laugh – it is a fine line between independent & stubborn! ).  

I hope to instill in her the strength of inner-peace, a way to find a clear vision of her path in life and a way to calm her soul.  With strength and focus we will be lead through the strive and to a calmer brighter day.

What are you doing to feel strong?  And what are you teaching the young girls in your life about being strong? 

The Soundtrack of Life!

 

I am a total music lover.  I can’t sing worth a damn, and I can’t really play any instruments or dance…but I love music.   I truly believe life is better with a sound track.  And my soundtrack changes frequently.

Over the past week things in life have gotten a bit scary.  I ended up in the ER with a heart issue.  During my ER visit, they gave me a med that stopped and restarted my heart.  Scariest event of my life. 

When I was getting ready to go to the ER that night, I didn’t think I was going to see my babies again.

With tears streaming down my face, I kissed each of my babies on the forehead and whispered “I love you” into their sweet little ears.

Thankfully I was wrong.  But doesn’t take away the fear and anxiety.   

So, I have created a new soundtrack to my life…  one that highlights the blessings and the importance of  taking each second to be grateful for what I have.

And here is the cover song:

A Life that’s Good (Feat. Nashville)

Verse 1:
Sittin' here tonight,
By the fire light,
it reminds me I already have more than I should.

I don't need fame, no one to know my name,
at the end of the day,
lord I pray, I have a life that's good.

Chorus:
Two arms around me, heaven to ground me,
and a family that always calls me home,

Four wheels to get there, enough love to share
and a sweet sweet sweet song

At the end of the day,
lord I pray ,
I have a life that's good.



 

Finding the balance returns.

So… Hello again everyone.  My life has been soooo out of balance the last year, I haven’t had time (or desire) to blog.   So, over the next couple of days (or week) I hope to get caught up, and continue blogging going forward.

So much has happened in the last 12 months, I am so amazed that I survived a lot of it.  Between Dance recitals, C-sections, kindergarten, and the persistent money issues that come with having kids; I have been exhausted and off center for a while.

After Rebekah was born, I wasn’t prepared for the flood of emotions that came with it.  When I would hear people talking about post-partum depression,  I didn’t fully understand the scope and complexities that came with it.    No, I never felt like hurting myself or my babies.  It was more of a feeling of failure and the inability to manage the demands day by day. 

Two things are still very very vivid in my mind about those first few months after Rebekah’s birth. 

The first event was about 2 weeks after her birth.  I had been home maybe 8 or 10 days.  Josh had already returned to work.  Elyzabeth was going to daycare, so it was just baby and me at home. 

Rebekah had eaten and should have been napping.  I was tired and in pain.  All I wanted was to sleep and I wasn’t getting much sleep while holding Rebekah.   Once I laid her down she started screaming, which in turn made me cry.  Although it was only 3 or 4 minutes, it felt like an eternity.   And I cried and cried and cried.  Why?  Because ..well, just because.

The next one was when we had people over.  Josh and I were doing up some dishes while dinner was baking, and he spilt some water on my pants.  I erupted into tears.  I picked up Rebekah and retreated to my room where I sat and cried for over a long long time.

Even thou these events stand out in my mind, I really had no idea that I was really in trouble.  I am by no means saying that these 2 events clearly diagnosed me with depression, but they were some signs that things just weren’t right.  Obviously there were other signs,  yelling at Josh for no reason.  Yelling at Elyzabeth for no reason.  (Poor Girl!)

But thru it all, my friends and family totally supported me and encouraged me to get help. 

I was prescribed Zoloft and started taking it shortly after returning to work.  But how do you know if it is working?  It’s not like you can take an Xray or Blood test to see if it is working.  

Well, the truth is – It wasn’t working.  Or at least not completely.  I wasn’t as bad, but I wasn’t better either.  I was choosing to go to bed instead of spending time with my family and friends.  I was spending most of my weekends sleeping because I just didn’t feel like doing anything else. 

But it wasn’t until my husband told me that he felt like our relationship was falling apart, that I realized I still needed help. 

So I called the doctor again asking him for suggestions.  He changed my meds and told me to give it a couple weeks…  and see what happens.

Well, a little over 2 weeks and I feel AWESOME!  I can’t remember the last time I felt so alive.  So Normal.  I sent my girls to dance with my husband on Saturday, and instead of taking a nap I cleaned!  Like really cleaned.   

I look forward to going to work in the morning, and coming home to see my beautiful family!

Why am I telling you this?  Because I don’t think there is enough press out there about how to DEAL with post-partum depression, or depression in general.  There always the ads that say, “If you are having suicidal thoughts call for help.” But what if it isn’t that bad, what if it can be caught sooner.   What if those women who have attempted to drown their kids, or drive the minivan into the ocean got help when the symptoms were earlier on?  Maybe, just maybe there would be a few less sad stories out there.

But it is a bigger issue than just the person who is depressed.  While depression can be pretty obvious from the outside, it isn’t that obvious from the inside.  It is so easy to say, “Why didn’t she go get help?”  But I would like all of us to ask a different question, “Why didn’t her loved ones tell her to seek help?”  Why didn’t anyone around her notice what was going on?  Where is the support system?

I truly believe that my life and family are strong and together because my husband took the time to say, “Honey, something is wrong.”  Without that, who knows…. Maybe I would the mom who walks away from her family.