Finding the balance returns.

So… Hello again everyone.  My life has been soooo out of balance the last year, I haven’t had time (or desire) to blog.   So, over the next couple of days (or week) I hope to get caught up, and continue blogging going forward.

So much has happened in the last 12 months, I am so amazed that I survived a lot of it.  Between Dance recitals, C-sections, kindergarten, and the persistent money issues that come with having kids; I have been exhausted and off center for a while.

After Rebekah was born, I wasn’t prepared for the flood of emotions that came with it.  When I would hear people talking about post-partum depression,  I didn’t fully understand the scope and complexities that came with it.    No, I never felt like hurting myself or my babies.  It was more of a feeling of failure and the inability to manage the demands day by day. 

Two things are still very very vivid in my mind about those first few months after Rebekah’s birth. 

The first event was about 2 weeks after her birth.  I had been home maybe 8 or 10 days.  Josh had already returned to work.  Elyzabeth was going to daycare, so it was just baby and me at home. 

Rebekah had eaten and should have been napping.  I was tired and in pain.  All I wanted was to sleep and I wasn’t getting much sleep while holding Rebekah.   Once I laid her down she started screaming, which in turn made me cry.  Although it was only 3 or 4 minutes, it felt like an eternity.   And I cried and cried and cried.  Why?  Because ..well, just because.

The next one was when we had people over.  Josh and I were doing up some dishes while dinner was baking, and he spilt some water on my pants.  I erupted into tears.  I picked up Rebekah and retreated to my room where I sat and cried for over a long long time.

Even thou these events stand out in my mind, I really had no idea that I was really in trouble.  I am by no means saying that these 2 events clearly diagnosed me with depression, but they were some signs that things just weren’t right.  Obviously there were other signs,  yelling at Josh for no reason.  Yelling at Elyzabeth for no reason.  (Poor Girl!)

But thru it all, my friends and family totally supported me and encouraged me to get help. 

I was prescribed Zoloft and started taking it shortly after returning to work.  But how do you know if it is working?  It’s not like you can take an Xray or Blood test to see if it is working.  

Well, the truth is – It wasn’t working.  Or at least not completely.  I wasn’t as bad, but I wasn’t better either.  I was choosing to go to bed instead of spending time with my family and friends.  I was spending most of my weekends sleeping because I just didn’t feel like doing anything else. 

But it wasn’t until my husband told me that he felt like our relationship was falling apart, that I realized I still needed help. 

So I called the doctor again asking him for suggestions.  He changed my meds and told me to give it a couple weeks…  and see what happens.

Well, a little over 2 weeks and I feel AWESOME!  I can’t remember the last time I felt so alive.  So Normal.  I sent my girls to dance with my husband on Saturday, and instead of taking a nap I cleaned!  Like really cleaned.   

I look forward to going to work in the morning, and coming home to see my beautiful family!

Why am I telling you this?  Because I don’t think there is enough press out there about how to DEAL with post-partum depression, or depression in general.  There always the ads that say, “If you are having suicidal thoughts call for help.” But what if it isn’t that bad, what if it can be caught sooner.   What if those women who have attempted to drown their kids, or drive the minivan into the ocean got help when the symptoms were earlier on?  Maybe, just maybe there would be a few less sad stories out there.

But it is a bigger issue than just the person who is depressed.  While depression can be pretty obvious from the outside, it isn’t that obvious from the inside.  It is so easy to say, “Why didn’t she go get help?”  But I would like all of us to ask a different question, “Why didn’t her loved ones tell her to seek help?”  Why didn’t anyone around her notice what was going on?  Where is the support system?

I truly believe that my life and family are strong and together because my husband took the time to say, “Honey, something is wrong.”  Without that, who knows…. Maybe I would the mom who walks away from her family.