I am NOT that pregnant lady!

Not sure why I thought being pregnant would be different, and yet I was so hoping I was That Pregnant lady! 

You know who I am talking about… It’s the pregnant lady who is “glowing,” and super active.  She is the one who goes to Yoga every day and still makes dinner for her family and keeps her house clean.

Basically… it is the perfect mom, only pregnant.   Not sure why I thought I would be that lady, but I am having a hard time coping with the fact that I am NOT her. 

My laundry still isn’t down, the Yoga DVD I bought 2 weeks ago is still un opened, We have eaten out for the past week because I have been too exhausted to brave the grocery store.

I am the mom who sends her 5 year old to school in the same outfit she wore yesterday because it is the one she slept in.

I slept most of the day Sunday, and still feel like I haven’t slept in weeks.  I have a sinus headache that won’t go away no matter how many times I use my NediPot. 

All I really want to do is crawl back into bed and emerge in May, just in time to hold my little baby. 

But for now, I just push through each day with the promise of my comfy bed waiting for me when I get home… and my adorable 5 year old waiting to tuck me in snug, right before she crawls in bed with me and turns on a movie.

Only 163 days to go! 

Seriously, is there an App for that?

While being pregnant with our second child together, there are times I shake my head and think… “What have it gotten myself into!”

Our 5 year old is one of those kids society had deemed as “Strong Willed.”  Nicely put, but in reality she is Stubborn As Hell!   I am thinking it needs to be called what it is!

Those who know my daughter sigh and shake your head because you have seen with your own eyes the amazing will of my child.  Some of you read “Strong willed” and may laugh and think… yeah right, how bad can it be? And that is okay, because a 5 year old who tops the scales fully clothed at 28 lbs doesn’t seem like the type of kid to give you a run for your money, but she totally is.

So, to help you mom’s get a good laugh, (and lover your compliant children a little more) I have included several stories of my difficult child.  The names have been changed to protect the innocent (me!).

I will start with where I should have KNOWN I was in trouble, and end with the most recent antics.  Of course, this is just a sampling… not every story I have… I need to save some for later blogs.

During my last trimester of pregnancy, I had gestational diabetes.  So 2 days a week I would spend in the clinic hooked up to the fetal monitors.  They needed a continuous 10 minutes of heart readings in order to “confirm” she was healthy. Elyzabeth had made it well known that she did NOT like the fetal monitors.   Every time they would get the monitor just right, she would move and we would have to start all over again.  A 20 minute appointment started lasting closer to 2 hours.  Apparently, she did not feel it was important for us to know she was doing okay.

Shortly after delivery, the nurses brought her back to me and instructed me on how to swaddle her.  After screaming for 5 minutes, she had worked her little arms up and out of the swaddle, where she proceeded peacefully fall asleep.  Several more times the nurse came in and repeated the same process.  Swaddle, nurse leaves, baby screams, baby achieves freedom, baby falls asleep.

Finally, I said, “She doesn’t like be swaddled.” 

The nurse looks at me like with that, oh poor mommy, you don’t know what you are talking about, and says, “All baby’s like to be swaddled.”

“Fine,” I said, “but you can’t leave.  If you are going to swaddle her, you need to stay in

here and see what happens.”

So the nurse, with her attitude and goal of proving me wrong, swaddles Elyzabeth.  And as Elyzabeth begins to scream the nurse’s eyes start getting really wide.  As Elyzabeth frees herself and proceeds to fall asleep the nurse looks at me in disbelief.  “I have never seen such a thing!” she says, shakes her head and leaves the room.

Fast forward a couple years:

While at work one day, I get a call from Daycare, “Ummm… I need you to come get your daughter.  She is being very horrible and I can’t control her.”  Great!  My 4 year old has been Kicked out of Daycare.  So, I leave work and go to daycare.   Once I get there, I find out there were all sorts of mayhem going on.  Hitting, screaming, throwing food, and stripping (a common “temper tantrum” for Elyzabeth).  So I proceed to pack her up and take her home.  Unfortunately, it took me 45 minutes to get her into the car seat.  After having to physically hold her down and buckle her in, I finally was on the way home.  We live less than 2 miles for daycare.  However, 4 blocks into the drive and Elyzabeth has squeezed her way OUT of the car seat and is now STANDING on the car seat.  And lucky, lucky me… Mr. Crystal Police Officer is in the car right next to me.  

Really?!? Like the day can’t get any worse!  So I pull over in the Pizza Hut Parking lot and proceed to “force” her back into the car seat.  But this time… I tighten the straps! 

Finally, as we pull into the garage at home, she is again OUT of the car seat. 3 hours later, with no more improvement on her behavior Dad FINALLY gets home.  As soon as he walks in the door, I promptly put on my coat and leave the house.

I think you get the drift.  She is very very stubborn.  However, even with how stubborn she is, she is just as sweet.  

When we told her she was going to be a big sister, she was super happy!  She told everyone she came in contact with (including the waitress at Applebee's.)  And when we go shopping, she is looking at toys to buy for her new brother or sister.

And there are days where she says the sweetest things and just make my heart melt.  Where she will randomly come up to me, give me a hug and whisper “I love you” in my ear. 

So I need an app! 

An app that will instantly turn my stubborn child into that adorable angel that everyone else sees.

An App that will remind me of the good girl during the kicking, screaming and flaying fits.

An App that will let me see her 10, 15 or even 20 years down the road to remind me that the stubborn kids are the ones that are driven, ambitious and successfully.

An App that reminds me to look in a mirror, because I was that stubborn child once upon a time.

Looking Back

Now that I am at 14 weeks today, I feel it is a great time to look back and reflect on what seemed like Years of worry, stress and sadness.

I was feeling pretty crappy for a couple days. Nauseous, overly tired and my boobs were KILLING ME!  So, even though I was 4 days away from my “missed” period, I took a test anyways.  I was prepared for it to be negative, and to just move on with my night, and make sure I had plenty of “products” on hand.  I actually took the test and left the bathroom… it was a good 15 minutes later when I returned that I saw the word “Pregnant” printed clearly on the stick.

I thought I would be happy, but I had so many other emotions tied up in me, I don’t think Happiness was one of them.  I was scared and apprehensive.  I started crying as I told my amazing husband that I was pregnant again.  We had already decided, after 2 back to back miscarriages that getting pregnant was apparently not my problem.  I was so afraid that I would lose this one too. 

So the next day, I sent an email to my OB.  And immediately they call me back and requested that I come in for blood panels.  So every other day for about 2 weeks I was in the clinic for blood draws.  And every day, I would wait on pins and needles for the results to come back… “Please go up, please go up.”  And a sigh of relief once I saw the numbers did indeed go up. 

And the whole time I am stressing about the blood tests, I am also stressing about everything else.  Was that a cramp?  Am I going to find blood when I go to the bathroom next time?  The anxiety was so bad I would actually avoid going to the bathroom until the very last minute. 

At 5 weeks, I finally had hormones high enough that a ultrasound was ordered.  At 5 weeks, there isn’t usually a lot to see.  But we were able to see a gestational sac, a beautiful “blob” and the implantation site.  

This should have made me feel better, but it didn’t.  Although I knew I was farther along than the 2^nd miscarriage, all I could think was… “oh God I can’t lose this one too…” 

And so, the stress continued, and the blood tests continued.  Finally at 7 weeks, another ultrasound was done.  And this one showed an amazing heart beat!  Strong and steady!  It also showed me at 8 weeks!  Finally… I was starting to calm down.

And now at 14 weeks I am excited and happy!  I have made the announcement! And, I am surrounded my amazing people who are super excited for us.  

And now, my blog posts are gonna be good!  It is hard for me to blog when I am keeping a HUGE secret! 

So hang in there Friends!  Better Blogs to come!   

Venting Thursday!

Venting Thursday!

First, I should tell you that I haven’t been posting much lately because I was waiting to make the announcement.  I am pregnant.  I am 12 weeks as of yesterday, and feeling very emotional and hormonal.  I am going to be using Thursdays as my day to vent!

Not that I don’t feel bad enough that I need to go buy new underwear, I have to decide between Large and Medium (Or XL).  I do not consider myself extremely overweight.  But I do have plenty of “cushion” to spare.     So making the choice of underwear can be VERY VERY depressing.

And don’t even get me started on Bra’s.  In that area, I am DEFINITELY not small!  A couple weeks ago I went out to get new bra’s and went to Victoria Secret to get measured.  This girl comes up to me and asks if she can help me.  She is 5 feet nothing, weighs in at 3 lbs and has absolutely NO Chest at all…   But hey, I am game.  Sure I say.  As she takes the measurements she then steps back and says 36 B.  Those who have seen me lately, can totally attest to the fact that I am NOT a B cup. 

I look at her and said, “Are you on crack? I haven’t been a B since High school… and that was well before you were born!”  Okay, so tactfulness was NOT my strong suit that day.  Truth of the matter is I am a 36 DDD!  And when I told her I needed at least a 36DDD.   She said, “OH, we don’t care bra’s that big here.” 

So then, I thought… How about the maternity store? They have to have bras that will fit.   And when I got there the lady looked at me like I was crazy.

“Why are you looking at nursing bras?” She asks.

“Because I can’t find this size anywhere else.”

“Oh but I don’t think you really want a nursing bra!”

            Actually, I just want a bra that fits you skinny little toad!  Do you have any idea how painful it is to wear a bra that is 2 cup sizes to small and have your boobs be super overly sensitive!  Obviously not!  So, store number 2 that I left in tears!

Nice way to boost my already fragile EGO!!  I should probably add here that at the time of this “encounter” I was only about 9 weeks pregnant on additional hormones and unable to eat very much without vomiting!   Let’s just say she made my bad day, even worse!

And now that I am at 12 weeks, I am at yet another point of facing labels!  Apparently, since I am not out of my 1^st trimester, I should NOT be wearing maternity clothes yet.  However, my regular clothes are either way to big (loss of 15 lbs) or too tight on my tummy that it hurts.  And, non-maternity clothes are just soooo uncomfortable right now.

So tonight, I am hitting the malls.  Husband and 5 year old in tow, looking for that “in between” clothes that I can wear for a while and not feeling like a total slob.

Wish me luck!  I am sure I will have more to post tomorrow.

Squirrel!

One of my favorite movie scenes is from UP.  When the dogs get sidetracked by squirrels, I laugh out loud every time.  Squirrels are just as funny in the ICE AGE Movies… my daughter LOVES those squirrels. 

What I don’t love however, are dead squirrels in my back yard!  Of course my husband is in New York for the week (because that is how things work in my life!) so the dilemma of what to do begins.

A.    I could clean it up myself – TOTALLY NOT HAPPENING

B.     I could ignore it – yeah so the dog can eat it?  Nope

C.     I could take the dog out the front door on a leash instead of the back door (fenced area) – Ummm… nope, I am way to lazy

D.    I could pay the neighbor boy to clean it up for me

And the answer is D!

So I call my friend Mary.  “Hey, do you think Jackson wants to make some money tonight?”  And as I explain that I need him to remove the dead squirrel from my back yard, she is laughing at me.

Yes I admit it, I don’t mind hunting.  I have cleaned deer on my grandmother’s dining room table.  I have helped clean birds, shoveled chicken poop, thrown cow pies and cleaned up my share of puke.  But there is something about a dead squirrel that brings out the girl in me. 

So there we are, 9:30 at night in the backyard with flashlights looking for the dead squirrel. (I am sure our elderly neighbors were laughing at us or calling the cops).  I was the unfortunate one to find it, which triggered a high pitched girly squeal followed by single leap back into the house.   “There it is Jackson” I yelled through the closed screen door. 

Shovel, stick and plastic bag in hand he successfully removed the vermin from my yard and deposited it in the garbage can. 

As I handed him the fee of $10.00, his mom whispered: “You know, Dennis would have done it for $7.00.”

The truth of the matter is:  I would have paid $20.00.

Yes, I am Crazy.

How do I know fall is finally here?  Is it the cooler weather?  The changing color of the leaves?  Or is it the school buses that plague my drive to work everyday?

Believe it or not, none of the above.  Here are the top ways I know it is fall..
1.  My laundry is piled on the poker table instead of neatly folded in drawers.
2.  Dishes from Sunday night are just making it into the dish washer.
3.  My bedroom looks like all the clothing revolted and violently flung themselves out of the drawers.

Fall in our house has always been a time of new beginnings. 

This year, we totally over did ourselves.  With Elyzbeth turning 5 in October, we decided it was a good time to find out what "sports" she would like to try out.  This summer we tried soccer, which was a total blast.  And now we are trying tap/ballet.  So, our Saturdays from now until May are spent at Dance lessons.  As much as she loves the class so far, I am a little nervous about scheduling EVERY SATURDAY for the next 8 months!! YIKES!

And if that isn't enough, our church AWANA program started tonight too.  And of course it is NOT enough for us to sign up Elyzabeth, I volunteer to teach as well.  This will be my 3rd year of teaching, and at the end of each year I say "I am not teaching again next year."

But sure enough, I get the email from Church (2 months later) and I think of all the amazing kids i get to work with, and before I know it I am signing up again to be a Cubbie Bear Leader (3-4 yearolds).

So now, Wednesday nights are also booked for the next 8 months.  And don't forget Tuesday night Bible Study.  And October begins 10 weeks of swimming lessons.

 I ask myself (as you may ask me as well) "Why do you do that to yourself?  Are you Crazy??!?!?"

And well, yes, I am crazy!  I LOVE doing things that my daughter loves.  Dancing is the highlight of her week right now, and I can't wait to see her smile when we walk in the door Saturday at the dance studio.

And I love my bible study. The people in my bible study have been so good for me.  They support me, challenge me and make me laugh.  They also have such passion for their faith, I am constantly inspired.

And I love the little Cubbie Bears in my Awana group.  I love when I walk into Church on Sunday kids run up and give me huge hugs and say they miss me.  I LOVE listening to them discover their faith, and their own love and passion for Christ.  I LOVE how completely they believe and how innocently they understand all the things that hangs me up as an adult.  How simply they see the word "forgive" and how uncomplicated forgiveness is.  And Most of all, I LOVE how they TEACH me to see the world through a child's eyes.

So yes, I am crazy. And my kitchen is a mess, my laundry isn't done and don't even talk about how my yard looks!! 

But... I am happy.  The fall has started and my heart is full to bursting!  I am truly blessed.

Laundry will get done when I have time (or run out of underwear).  The dishes will wait (or i will go buy more paper plates).  The snow will eventually fall and no one will know I haven't weeded the gardens in months.

In the meantime, I will enjoy what I have committed to, and hopefully survive it at the same time!

Be prepared for Unwanted House Guests!

Lice!

First let me tell everyone that we have successfully rid our house and hair of Lice!  It was a hard a grueling process but alas we are done.

Second, I would like to give everyone some information about Lice and treatments.  Since this was my first time as an adult dealing with Lice, I would like to share my hard earned wisdom sprinkled with a little motherly advice.

Over a week ago I stood in the pharmacy aisle looking at the LICE treatments. There was RID, NIX, some generic brands and a bunch of stuff I don’t remember.  What I do remember was reading the warnings

·         Do not use on infants

·         Do not use if pregnant

·         Do not use if breast feeding

·         Do not use Blow Dryer – containers flammable ingredients.

·         Do not leave on hair longer than prescribed

And the list went on and on.  Every single one I read had similar warnings.  So, not knowing any better I picked up a couple treatments (obviously I had to treat myself too!)

So, home we went. Treatment in one hand and scratching my head with the other.

As I was starting to apply the treatment to Elyzabeth’s head she asked me, “Mommy, why are you putting that in my hair?”

I said, “It will kill the bugs in your hair.”

At which point she started crying, “No mommy… then it will kill me too.”

So, I got to thinking (after all the cleaning was done), what exactly is in this stuff?  And here, is what I found out.

1.      Permethrin is the main component in several of Lice Treatments, including NIX.

2.      There is a concern of “Resistant” lice, however the severity and extent is yet unknown.

3.      Permethrin can cause an allergic reaction in people who have known seasonal/floral allergies.  Especially Chrysanthemums.

4.      Permethrin is a PESTICIDE!  The EPA has issued several warnings on this product when used as a pesticide. Which can be found: http://www.epa.gov/oppsrrd1/REDs/factsheets/permethrin_fs.htm

a.       Adult exposure warnings are below the acceptable “risk” for cancer

b.      Toddler exposure:  “exceeded the Agency’s LOC for toddlers exposed to permethrin through food and drinking water, and through post-application exposure during high contact activities on lawns and indoor surfaces”

5.      Permethrin has several side effects http://www.drugs.com/sfx/nix-side-effects.html

a.       Fever

b.      Stomach ache & diarrhea

c.       mild and transient burning and stinging

d.      Numbness, tingling, headache and siezures.

Needless to say the treatments for lice have some pretty SERIOUS side effects.  I mean after all, it is strictly regulated by the EPA (Environment Protection Agency), the same agency that regulates and controls products like paint thinner & gasoline.

            Would you pour gasoline on your kids head? 

So, I have found an all-natural alternative.  It was highly recommended by 2 co-workers, and I am a believer.

IT is called:  HEAD-LICE-GONE.  It is a highly concentrated blend of several essential oils (Tea Tree, Geranium, Lavender, Lemon, Manuka, Rosemary).

I purchased it at an herbal store in South Minneapolis called Present Moments.  You can also order a bottle online.

http://www.presentmoment.com/head-lice-gone-synergistic-blend-p-1273.html

What you do is take 30 drops and place in a “carrier oil.” ( I used Coconut oil also purchased from Present moments).   

·         Smother head in oil being sure to saturate the scalp and all the way to the ends of the hair.

·         Wrap in Saran Wrap for upto 4 hours

·         Rinse out hair and comb out nits.

·         Repeat as desired.

I did one treatment and it was GONE!  Amazing! And, we skipped the “rinse” step and just combed it out with the oil in it then let her go to bed with it still in her hair.

This same oil can be used as a prevention oil as well.  Take a few drops of the oil and mix in with your condition and wash as normal.  The Tee Tree oil will deter any live lice from taking up residence.  

Using it once a week during the school year could possible keep your child from getting head lice at school.

Now, the oil is NOT approved by the medical community, but I am telling you I am a believer.  Currently living Pesticide free & lice Free!

Going it alone.... Epic Fail take 1

My husband doesn't travel often. In fact, I can count his business trips since we have been married on one hand.   So, we don't spend very many days or nights apart.  Which is what made the last week the low light of my summer. 

I saw it coming. I knew in March that he would be traveling in August.  And the closer it got, the more nervous I became.  I don't like when he travels, I don't like feeling like a single parent, and I certainly do NOT like how quiet the house is after Elyzabeth goes to bed (Assuming i am successful in getting her to bed.)

So, friends and family have all reached out to check on me and encourage me that the week really isn't that long.  Well,  the joke is on them.  Because right now, with 24 hours to go, I am pretty sure several of my friends & Family really REALLY wish they were not so willing to help.  However, as I tell this tale you will laugh, cry and probably itch like mad!

So Wednesday morning I sent Josh off to the work with his Airport bag in tow. After work, i picked up Elyzabeth and met a friend and her kids at a amazingly wonderful church carnival.  There were games, bouncy houses, food and even a petting zoo.  Elyzabeth had so much fun she was ready for bed even before we got home.
    As I crawled into bed I smiled... one night down, this is going very very well.

Thursday came and went with very little issues, other than my tires all being between 12 and 15 lbs of air low... oh well, not the first time I had to put air in my tires.

However, Thursday night wasn't so great.  After eating dinner, it took me over 2 hours to get Elyzabeth in bed.  Time out after time out, she just was out of control.  I know that reasoning doesn't work with her, so I put her in her room.  Every time she left her room, one of her toys went into "Jail" (The big box on top of our fridge),  Four toys in jail, 75 minutes of screaming  and she was finally in her room quietly laying in bed... and so was I.

Friday promised to be better.  Dinner and the vikings game with the girls!  What could be better! 

The girls arrive and the night commences.  After an amazing appetizer at The Crooked Pint, we proceeded to the game where the Vikings won.  And then back to the Crooked Pint for more drinks and food.  Unfortunately, the babysitter called and Elyzabeth puked in her sleep, all over the couch, floor and stairs... I spent the next couple of hours washing clothes. 

Saturday, the same night time routine... only this time after 20 minutes and 2 toys in jail gave up and let her sleep with me.  Woke up several times with her complaining of a headache and tummy ache. Apparently, sleep was not a luxury this weekend.

Sunday came with it's own surprise.  A Rash!!  And after a 2 1/2 hour doctor visit, we are the proud owner of Strep!  Yep, Again.  Antibiotic in hand I proceed to discuss daycare options. Luckily, my dad and Grandma had already been exposed to our Strep, so they volunteered to babysit,  Thank God!  Because, I used my PTO up on my last 2 misfortunes.

6:15am and I am up.  ELyzabeth's bag packed.  Antibiotic taken.  Car Seat Secured and my dad is off with Elyabeth for a day of Fun at Great Grandma Olsons. 

Up earlier then I ever actually get up, I have time to stop and get coffee.  Coffee in hand, and my calm demeanor I start the week optimistic that there is only 2 days left of single parenting. 

8:30am my grandma calls.  Elyzabeth now has hives all over her back, face and neck.  Really? Okay, off I go to take her back to the doctor. 

9:30 we arrive at the clinic and are quickly taken to a room.  As I hold Elyzabeth reading a book, something catches my eye.  No, it's not the french braids my grandma so carefully braided into my daughters hair.  It is  the bug I see crawling in said braid.

Oh My Goodness... I think my daughter has lice.  No, that isn't possible, i just washed her hair yesterday and combed it.  I must be seeing things, but no, there is another one!   In the middle of my internal freak out, the doctor comes in.

So I say, "Well, Doctor.  We have a couple issues going on here.   As you can see she has some hived going on, and I think she is allergic to the antibiotic.  Oh, and I think she has lice."

And the verdict...(drum roll please)...

It Amanda for the gold! Strep, Allergic reaction to Antibiotic and LICE! 

So, how was your weekend?

Faith tested and an Ode to Friends.

I grew up a Christian.  I don’t have any fancy stories about how I found God, or how I was saved by Jesus.  I can’t remember a time in my life that God wasn’t important.  Even though I have always had strong faith, it has been tested and tried many times over the years.

The past four months have been one of the most trying for my faith.  After 2 miscarriages, it is hard sometimes to hear people tell me: “It’s not in God’s plan.”  Because sometimes, I just want to be angry and stubborn.  I want to yell, scream and stomp my feet.   I want to act like my 4 year old and throw a temper tantrum in the middle of the mall.  I want what I WANT!

And then, I have wonderful conversation with my beautiful daughter.  I believe she is how God talks me down from my tantrums.  This morning, as we were getting ready to go to daycare and work she grabbed me and gave me a huge hug.  And she whispered in my ear, “Mommy, you are beautiful.”     

I wish I could be one of those people who never questions, and never doubts.   All I do is try the best I can to be strong and surround myself with the positive people in my life. 

That being said, I wanted to say a special comment about all the support I have gotten lately. 

To those of you who read my blog, comment and follow me:  Thank you! I appreciate your thoughts whether voiced or silent.

To the random calls and emails to just check up on me: Thank you!  I need to hear your voices and remember that I am NOT Alone.

To those who allow me to pretend everything is fine:  Thank you!  I need to be able to pretend every now and then.

To my aunts Renea & Penny:  Thank you for all you do for me.  The necklace and the prayer shawl are constant reminders of your love and encouragement from afar.

And to my amazing Husband.  I love you.

BROKEN

After my miscarriage in May, I was devastated to say the least.  And until then, I did not understand post-partum depression.  I knew it was real, I had friends who suffered from it, I just wasn’t one of them.  And in all honesty, I never suffered from any type of depression either. But after the miscarriage I was seriously depressed.  At first, I thought it was exhaustion.  I wasn’t sleeping well and I was just tired all the time.  However, I put off going to the doctor thinking… “this too shall pass.” But it didn’t.

Then I went on vacation. During my amazing week vacation I was feeling better.  I thought, “You know what, all I needed was a little R&R.”  (See previous post).

After returning from vacation I found out I was pregnant.  I didn’t tell anyone.  I was scared and nervous.  Afraid to be excited.  Afraid that again I would lose.  The doctor said, “It is very common to have 1 miscarriage.  And the number of women who experience a second one is very rare.  Plus, you have 1 child already so that is a good thing.”

And a week ago today, I lost my second pregnancy.  The first time around I was told, “It’s nothing you did.  These things happen.”  But it doesn’t feel that way now. 

Now, I just feel broken.

Thoughts from the lake...

Today, I am on vacation.  Actually, I am on vacation all week.  Lately, I have bee feeling very 'off' my normal easy going attitude.  In all honesty I have been feeling some depression and extreme fatigue since my miscarriage almost 8 weeks ago.  And I really think today I have broken free. 
   We are at the cabin with some friends.  And just the peaceful calm of this place is enough to rejuvinate my spirit.  Plus seeing my daughter playing with frogs and catching bugs in her bug catcher always brings a smile to my face. 
As I stood by the kitchen window watching my lovely family making a campfire together, I smiled.  A content kid of smile that has been so fleeting for me lately.  After dinner we took the girls down the dock to watch the sunset, and a loon was floating about 20 feet from the dock.   Elyzabeth was mezmorize!  Watching her in awe of such a beautiful creature made my heart sing.
I dropped her off at the cabin with her dad and retuned to the lake carrying my digital camera, with the 80-300 lense I love so much.
For the next 20 min I sat on the dock snapping photos of the most beautiful Loon I have ever seen.  And the lake was so calm and beautiful it took my breath away. And calmed my spirit in away I haven't felt in a long time. 

I know everything will be fine.  And that God will take care of me.  If I am lucky it will include another baby to love... if not, I will continue to cherish the ones I have.  Either way... I am on vacation and recharging my spirit, reconecting with my husband and my girls, and loving the life God has provided for me.

Time Out - That means you Mom!

I am crabby.  Not just the normal crabby, but really over the wall pain in the ass C-R-A-B-B-Y.  So crabby in fact that when I didn't get my lunch on time I started to cry!  Okay, so maybe it is more than crabby...

Anyways, nothing went right for me on Monday... I over slept, couldn't find the shirt I wanted to wear.  forgot my lunch at home, left my cash in my other pants, and that was all BEFORE I got to work.

And they day just kept going down hill.

So by the time I got home last night, I wasn't a very happy person and my patience for everything was GONE!  But, none the less, grocery shopping we must go!  I HATE grocery shopping on a normal day.  The people with the carts that take up the ENTIRE AISLE and are oblivious to anyone else needing or wanting to get by is enough to ruin an awesome day.  So, you can just imagine how "pleasant" I was upon leaving Costco.

By the time we completed our task, and returned home I had pretty much upset everyone in the family.  At which point my husband sent me to time out.  Yes, Mom's get time outs too.  He said, "I think you just need some time to yourself."

50 hours a week I leave my daugther in someone else's care, and now when I am not working I want someone else to watch her?  How does that make me a good parent? 

I struggle with the need to have my own time versus capitalizing on the little time I have to spend with my family.  It is a constant battle that I am not sure I can ever win.

But all in all, I need my time.  During my time out, I did some "Candle Light Yoga."  And after that 45 min to myself I felt much better.  I may never get rid of the guilt of spending time away from my role as "MOM".  But I will be thankful for the wonderful husband I have who will always acknowlege when I am feelling overwhelmed and put me in Time Out.

My daughter, the super hero.

A couple days ago I went on a walk with a couple of co-workers.  As we were walking, my co-worker told us a very sad story. 

            Her niece and family (including a 2 year old little girl) were moving from out east back to Minnesota.  With the car and trailer loaded up with all of their belongings they headed out.  When they reached Indianapolis, they stopped for the night to sleep. 

            When they got up in the morning to get back on the road, the car, trailing and everything in it were GONE!   They literally had only the clothes on their back!  Everything they had was gone!  I can not imagine having a 2 year old, no clothes, no toys, no books!

            Broke my heart!  I thought of all the toys my daughter has at home that she never plays with and all the clothes that she has outgrown that I keep “just in case”.

            So that night, while telling my husband this sad story, our 4 year old came running into the room.  “Mommy,” She says, “I know what they need!  They need a super hero!”

I said, “Yes honey, I suppose a super hero would be really nice for them.”

“Well, Mom.” She says, “I am a super hero! And I know just what to do.”

And she proceeded to go through her room and pick out some things for this little girl. 

I said, “Elyzabeth, are you sure?  You will not get these back.”

“Yes Mom.  I have a lot of toys.  And ever kid needs a Pooh Bear.”

Thanks Dave Ramsey, I get to buy a pig!

Over the past 6 months our family has been working through the “DAVE RAMSEY”
Financial Peace University program. At first, both my husband and I were skeptical.
Really, a 13 week course will change our lives? Whatever you say…
Basically, I was super surprised! I already knew I was a complete idiot about
money. What I didn’t know, is that it was easy to learn how to manage my/our money
better. Our biggest problem was Christmas, and summertime.
Christmas, well because it’s Christmas and who doesn’t love spending money at
Christmas. And the summers, when my stepdaughter is here we want to do
EVERYTHING.
So through this class, we learned how to budget our money. Dave Ramsey
stresses using an “ENVELOPE” system. So, each paycheck is divided up into envelopes.
An envelope for each expense, mortgage, eating out, gas, daycare, ect. And that is what
the money is used for and nothing else. So when the eating out envelope is empty.. .you
better find something at home to eat. Great concept, but I was still a bit skeptical.
The idea of keeping envelopes of CASH around made me a little jumpy. So, we
signed up for online software called MVELOPES. Basically the same concept, only
this is computerized. It works with our bank account and helps us assign our debit card
transactions to the appropriate envelope. Making it even easier to follow the budge plan..
There is an app for that!
So now, we are already putting money aside for Christmas shopping, and our
summer is already budgeted out. And we aren’t really cutting back on the fun… we just
are making sure we have the money for the fun.
Other than “holiday expenses” - One of the biggest struggles for me as a working mom,
is meal time. If I don’t plan ahead we end up with one of 2 options. Ordering in pizza,
or going to the grocery store every night. And that gets very expensive and very very
hard to budget. So the easiest way to save money… budget (duh) .. and the best way to
prevent me from grocery shopping every day is to buy in bulk!
So, when my good friend told me they were looking for someone to buy half a
pig, I was like… TOTALLY! I LOVE BUYING FARM ANIMALS.
So as I look at our budget I see that by August, we will definitely have enough
money saved up for the purchase of a pig. – Well, actually half a pig. With the money it
will save on grocery bills, I am super excited.
So, Thanks to Dave Ramsey, I get to buy a pig!

I love my husband, but we are no longer speaking.

My husband and I, like 90% of the population are on a constant battle with our weight.  About a month ago he joined Medifast.  So, 23 lbs later, he is feeling great.  He gets up every morning at 5am and goes to the gym.  And so now, he thinks he can convince me to join him.
     The conversation goes something like this, "Just do it for a week," he says, "You will feel better."  

   REALLY? I have a hard enough time getting up at 6:30 to go to work, forget the gym!  But none the less, he has been relentless.  And this morning, I dragged my sorry arse out of bed at 4:55 am to go to the gym.  I was crabby, tired and well...crabby!  Everything he said and did this morning got a rude comment followed by a glare that I am extremely famous for.  And yet the entire time, he just took it in stride.  Never commented, or scolded me.  He just let me be. 

But I was crabby at him all day! So after work we rushed to a pampered chef party, and didn't get home until 9:30.   And I had only just started to speak to Josh again by the time we got home.

But now, at 10:38pm I am not sure how tomorrow will go.   The work out felt GREAT!  And all in all I had a great day - and was mostly just holding a grudge against my husband. 

But I must give my husband a huge hand.  Not only has he been getting up to work out everymorning.  He has also dealt with my crabby butt as well. 

So, maybe tomorrow I will go to the gym.  Maybe not (I am leaning more to the NOT.)  But one thing I am sure of, is that I love my amazing and patient husband.

So it begins…

Our family marks the arrival of summer by the arrival of Courtney.  During the School year Courtney lives in Florida with her mom. 

But every June, as everyone else is celebrating the end of another school year, we are preparing for Courtney’s long awaited arrival.

            It begins with getting her room ready.  Even though I vow every year to keep her room “sacred” and set aside just for her.  It never fails, the night before her arrival we are quickly removing the “stuff” that has accumulated through out the previous year.  So, we spent last night re-packing the Christmas boxes I have been too lazy to take to the basement, boxing up the clothes that never made it to good will when I decided they look horrible on me, and returning Elyzabeth’s “lost” toys back to her toy box.

            As we all look forward to seeing her, I always feel a bit apprehensive.  We are sooo busy when she gets here.  I close my eyes and it is August 1^st as we stand at the airport and say good bye for another year. I don’t think it will ever get any easier, and I am not sure I really want it to be easy.

But tonight it begins.  And I will try to keep the thoughts of the end from my mind for at least a few weeks.

But here is how it really begins, the chaos that we know of as SUMMER!

This morning, we quickly got Elyzabeth ready, dropped her off at Daycare and headed into work.  Courtney flies in at 5:30pm, my husband will be taking the light rail to the Airport to wait for her, then head to the Mall of America for some “quality” time.

            The reunion is always amazing.  Elyzabeth and Courtney are super amazing sisters.  This summer is going to be amazing!

This is my Story:

I am in my mid thirties.  Mother of a beautiful little girl (4) and my amazing 16 year old stepdaughter. My husband and I have been married for almost 7 wonderful years. 

My husband and I both work full time. Between working, laundry, cooking, cleaning, yard work, after school activities, church and anything else that comes up … I am exhausted.

How do you find the balance?  How do you spend your week doing what needs to get done and yet find time to enjoy just “Being” with each other?  Should I let the dishes wait?  Should I stop watering the yard and hope it withers and dies?  Oh, and don’t forget to eat right and exercise?  

This, this is my story.  The story of my struggles and my success.  The story of my failures.