A Letter To My Daughter

 

My lovely daughter,

I know you are not my biggest fan right now.  I know that things are complicated and confusing. I know you don’t mean the things you say.

I know you want independence and autonomy.  I know you want your privacy.  

I could let you choose your own bedtime and face the consequences that come the next day. 

I could let you eat only candy and skip meals.

I could let you do what you want and ignore the rest.

I want to.  It would be so much easier to just let you do whatever you want.

But my job is to prepare you to be ready to take on the world.

The rules don’t change.  Bedtime means no electronics and no phone.  Dinner time means you eat and clear your plate.

You do your chores and your homework before playing Minecraft.  

You hate it, I know… I can tell by the way you treat me.

I am the adult, so I walk away instead of yelling back.

I say “I love you” in response to you wishing you had any parent other than me.

And I go to bed hoping tomorrow I can put the pieces of my heart back together, again.  Wondering if there will be a time that I won’t be able to repair the pieces left behind.

 I hope you never know how much your words hurt me or that I cried myself to sleep last night. 

I hope you never know the way my heart shatters when you call me names and wish I wasn’t your mom.

I hope you never feel the loneliness that comes after your daughter says she hates you.

I hope you never know how it feels to be broken by someone you love.

So, while you fight me every second of every day, I hold onto the belief that you will one day love me again.

-          Mom

Honesty and Exhaustion - A Mother's confession

 

It’s been a while since I posted last… life speeds up and before you know it – 5 years have passed.

I try my best to be honest when talking with other parents.  Honest about my parenting skills (and fails), challenges and about my kids.

I love my kids fiercely – anyone who knows me should be able to see that.  But I am also very well aware of who my kids are and the challenge they both bring to life.

In March 2015 we began the difficult road of special education with Elyzabeth.  I was not 100% open about what it was like with Elyzabeth, the struggles and the frustration that led us to have her evaluated.  I’ve mentioned tantrums… but that isn’t really what we were experiencing. It was more like a nuclear reactor exploding repeatedly until everything in its wake was destroyed, broken and exhausted.

Tantrums are normal… they help kids express their feelings and test the boundaries.  My husband and I were very VERY diligent in NOT giving into the tantrums – so the continued explosions were confusing. 

The littlest thing would cause here to explode – “Elyzabeth, take off you shoes” could result in 2 hours of crying/screaming.

Brining her home from school was always a challenge.  IT would start in the car and continue into the house.  Screaming, throwing things, kicking, and crying.   It would go on for 2 to 3 hours!  By the time Josh got home from work, I was exhausted and frustrated and DONE!  

This was EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!  The only bright spot / relief that came was from Dance.  Seriously her dance teacher, Shannon, was my guardian angel.  I’d show up with puffy eyes and a screaming child.  And she would just know what to do.   Elyzabeth would be out of my arms, and I would run back to the car where I would sit and cry through the entire 45 min class.

I would cry, alone in my car.  (I think some of the parents thought I was crazy!)

I was Exhausted.

I was confused.

I was failing.  Nothing I could do was working. 

I was a bad mom!  I didn’t want to pick my kid up from school or dance.  I’d sit in the parking lot and cry about the fact that I had to bring her home. I loved her – but the hours of screaming at the end of the day were atrocious.

But the truth – I was exhausted and just trying to pretend everything was fine.  

During the summer after kindergarten, we started Elyzabeth in counseling. Why does a 6-year-old need counseling?  Because the school convinced me it was something only happening at home.  Obviously, we were doing something that was causing our child to be this way. 

So, we started counseling.  About a month into the sessions the therapist aske if she had been evaluated for Autism / ADHD?

And that was when everything started turning around for us as a family. 

At the beginning of the school year, I started keeping track of all the emails from the school.

Elyzabeth hit **** today

Elyzabeth had a fit and spent most of the day in the take a break chair.

Elyzabeth …

Elyzabeth …

Elyzabeth …

 

And yet, none of the teachers say an issue.  We fought from October to March to get Elyzabeth evaluated by the school – and repeatedly they refused.   We could have continued to fight, we could have called PACER or other resources to forced their hand…. But I was exhausted and impatient.

So we pulled her out of school for 3 days and had her tested at a psych clinic.

When we showed up for the results – I think I cried most of the way through the meeting.

·         Severe Anxiety

·         Severe ADD

·         Dyslexia

·         Dysgraphia

But what hit me most – was the comment the doctor said at the very beginning.

“This is not an accurate report. The evaluations we received from the school describe Elyzabeth as always attentive.  Stays in her chair most days and causes little disruption.  After spending three days with her – there is no way accurate to how she is behaving in school.”  

And just like that – it all made sense! 

The screaming!

The kicking!

The chaos!

My child was trying to tell me something – and I wasn’t listening. 

My heart broke that day, in a way I can’t explain. 

My life changed forever. 

There are events in life that drastically change your perspective – birth of a child, death of a parent – these events are so profound you start referring to “Before” and “After”.

This was one of my events.  This was the AH HA moment of parenting for me.  It wasn’t some magic switch that caused everything to be fine… but it gave me information and tools!

That was 6 years ago.  It’s been a long road – but I am so thankful to have the information needed to help my daughter.

We have had her re-evaluated several times since that first report.  Each time we are getting a clearer image of how best to assist Elyzabeth.

Anyone who is struggling like this… I am here and I have been there!    

Shannon is still one of our favorite dance teachers and still someone who will forever be an important part of my daughter’s life. Without her strength and compassion – I am not sure where we would be right now.

Today, Elyzabeth is performing in the Christmas recital.  She is performing a POINTE dance for the first time and will be doing a duet with her sister are several competitions this spring.

 

We have come a long way!

Unleash the SHE

On my couch is a new Teal t-shirt, New running pants, teal TuTu, and the number 862.  

Tomorrow - I run my first ever 5K... Okay fine, I'm walking...but that isn't the point.

I have spent so much time putting things off!  Tomorrow is  new DAY!  

I am running in memory of an amazing lady who was taken way way too soon.  Missy and I went to High School together.  She was always such a smiley face and such an amazing friend.   But, I went to college and regretfully left everything behind.   And now 20 years later, I regret so much.   I regret not picking up the phone and making just a couple calls.  I regret not making time for old friends while my crazy life moved forward.  

I regret putting off the things I can no longer do, the phone call, meeting for coffee ... the simple things.

So here I am, the night before my first 5K, thinking of the people left behind and the things I never got around to doing. 

Tomorrow - we begin a new.  Dressed in my Tutu, I will complete this task, and look forward to the next.  And maybe, just maybe I will rekindle some old friendships along the way.

This one is for you Missy... I'm late...but I am here!  You will NOT be forgotten.

A Day of Mourning

14 years ago today, tragedy struck all of our lives.   Whether you live in New York or Hoboken, IL – you remember where you were when the first plane struck tower.  

The radios, TV and internet were flooded with pictures and videos of terror and destruction. 

I wonder how different it was when Pearl Harbo was attacked?  TVs and Radios were not as common in the 40s.  How long did it take for everyone to find out about the bombing?   How long before they were able to connect with their loved ones?

People across the country watched as the second plane crashed into the towers.  People in California SAW what happened AS it happened. 

The pictures were horrifying!  It felt like the whole world was holding its breath waiting for something, anything to tell us that it wasn’t true.  Waiting for someone to tell us everything was going to be okay. 

But it wasn’t okay, and it WAS real.   

As the hours and days went by, the nation continued to tremble as more and more bodies were dragged from the rubble.

And today, as I told my kids goodbye I realized they have NO IDEA of the magnitude of pain 9/11 represents.   They don’t know what it’s like to feel the entire nation mourn together over a horrific act. 

But WE know, and WE remember.

Today, I will watch my children play and joke around.  I will see them fight and whine as I continue to mourn and process the history of today. 

I will let them play; fight and whine today because I HOPE they never understand what I am feeling.

And I PRAY our children NEVER understand how a single act can bring a nation to its knees.

I'm a believer!

I can't remember a time that allergies hasn't plagued my existence!  

Whether it is Christmas Trees and poinsettias or Easter Lilies - Allergies are miserable! 

The running joke is that I am literately allergic to Christmas! 

The only thing worse than a house full of Christmas is Spring Time.

Yesterday, we celebrated Bekah's 2nd birthday a Elm Creek Park.   The cottonwood is in bloom, crab apple trees blossoming - It was a beautiful day!

which means I was MISERABLE!     

After returning home with a RAGING headache, I opened up my Oils and pulled out the R.C.  

A couple daps on my checks and forehead and it was miraculous!  

 I could breathe!    Not only could I breathe, but I wasn't drugged up on allergy meds!   

I cannot tell you the last time I went to bed with out drugging up on Benedryl and/or Advil cold and sinus!   It felt so GOOD!! 

I am a true believer!  And a very very happy Mommy!

You should TOTALLY check it out!!!

https://www.youngliving.org/auggiefroggy

YEP! I am THAT Mom. I am buying my kid a Leash!

As Parents, being judged can be really hard to deal with.  

Before kids, I judged a LOT!

I remember one time specifically I saw a mom down the cereal aisle.    A toddler – 3 or 4 years old, sat in the cart screaming and crying and making a huge racket.   And I thought – Why doesn’t that mother do something!  I don’t need to hear this! 

Little did I know that a few years down the road, I would be THAT mom! And I would come to realize doing nothing – is all you can do in that situation.

I am the one with the Toddler in the cart screaming and doing my best to get the grocery shopping done.   And as I pass another mom in the store, instead of judging – I give a knowing smile.  The smile that says:  Yep!  I’m that mom, too!

One of the things I had a hard time with –even after my oldest was walking – was the child leash thing. 

  I mean really? You are putting your kid on a leash!?!?! 

My oldest NEVER ran far, and to this day she STILL holds onto a hand, the stroller or the cart when we are out and about.  She is NEVER more than a few feet from me.  Even at the playground, if she can’t see me she gets upset.

#2, on the other hand!

  DAMN!  I can’t keep the kid in the stroller, much less holding my hand.

 And she has super powers - she runs faster than a cheetah! 

Last weekend we had a picnic at Dance.  I turned my back for literally 30 seconds and when I turned back she was GONE!  

The panic set in, the tears started and I could feel the paralyzing fear slowly creep through my body!

Scared me to death. 

Luckily, another dad in the group caught her before she ran into the road! 

First thing I did when we got home… I went on Amazon.com and bought my daughter a leash!

So yes, now I am THAT mom!  

I let my kids scream through the store while I am shopping. 

And I WILL be that mom, the one with the kid on the leash at Disney World next month. 

But you know what I won’t be?  

I won’t be the mom at Disney sending out a search party to find Bekah.  

The Perfect Fit

As a kid, I always felts as if I didn't belong or fit in with the kids around me.  I felt like my passion and my drive wasn't the same as the kids around me.

As an adult I have struggled with some of the same feelings... Not quite fitting in.  Like trying on a really cute shoe that only gives you blisters at the end of the day.  So even at the age of  37, I am still looking for that perfect fit.

When my daughter started Kindergarten, I signed her up for girl scouts, which also meant I became one of the leaders.

I love leading.  And I love teaching the girls "stuff."   But, it is so hard to know where to begin.

This weekend I had the AMAZING opportunity to attend the Girls Scout Connections retreat.  This retreat geared towards adult leaders was a way for me to find out more.     And boy did I learn ALOT.


I took a really great seminar on Girl Scout traditions.  Although I already knew most of the history of Juliette Low, the traditions and ceremonies were all very very new to me.   I learned about Girl Scout songs and museums.  I was blown away about the amount of influence the birth place of Juliette Low has on girls across the country.

But aside from the traditions and ceremonies, I found an amazing place to just be me.  Whether I was feeling talkative, meditative or just silly - there was always room for me no matter what activity.

And through out the weekend, I thought a lot about what I want my troop to learn through out their girl scout years...

I want my girls to know that no matter what happens, there is a girl scout family out there to lean on.

I want my girls to remember, they are only one piece of this huge puzzle.  And although it is huge, it is never finished with out every single one of them where they belong!

I want my girls to learn and understand the traditions that have been passed down through the last 100 plus years.  Tradition is the best way we can honor those who have come before us and help us focus on moving forward with purpose.

But most of all, I want my girls to know that do a good turn daily is a huge step in making change in our society.

So many things are going to happen to every single one of our girls.  There maybe times that the world seems too broken to put back together.  But what I want all girls to remember is that change starts very small.  Juliette Low started an amazing organization with just 18 girls, a movement that is now over 3 million members.   If each girl scout did one good turn daily, that would be 3 million steps toward a better world for our children yet to come.  Doesn't matter if it is simply picking up a piece of garbage in the parking lot or serving at a food shelf or taking the time to talk to someone who looks lonely.

Just do SOMETHING.  

And eventually, you will find your place.  You will finally put on that shoe that is the perfect combination of style and comfort - the one that is the perfect fit.

So, good night all - I am exhausted and spent.

But tomorrow - the journey begins.  For my perfect shoes  looks like this: