A moment of reflection and Thanks.

I have been listening to this song from County Crows.  It’s called : LONG DECEMBER. 

It is a somber song, and made stop and reflect on the last year.

It amazes and scares me at how much can change in just 12 short months.

After 2 miscarriages, I had finally made it to the second trimester.  But the fear and anxiety was horrible!  Every time I went to the bathroom I was afraid that I would start bleeding, and lose this baby too.

I spent many nights at home alone, while my husband helped out his mom who was constantly declining.  I was constantly afraid of the phone call coming saying she had passed.   She survived several hospital visits, including twice we were not sure she would pull through.  

Every day we were holding on, wondering how long we would be able to continue to hold her.  As we celebrated Christmas, we all knew it would be her last.  But I kept praying that she would at least hold on to meet her newest granddaughter.

But in January, her health declined quickly.  And on a Sunday night, surrounded by family she passed away.

She didn't get to meet my baby.  She didn't get to see Elyzabeth's first dance recital.  Every family event since has been over shadowed with her absence.  

Rebekah's birth, mother's day, baptism, birthdays... the list just goes on and on.  And every mile stone is a reminder of what we have lost.

And through all of it, the emotions have been exhausting and paralyzing.  

And now, in the month of Thanksgiving - I find the need to be thankful.  To honor her memory the best i know how.  And that is by taking care of my family, and loving them with all of my heart.

My amazing Elyzabeth is reading and excelling in school.  Last night she read a book to herself, and found her sight words in the magazine in record time.   When I picked her up from Adventure club, she showed me the “classes” she had signed up for.  And there was her name, written beautifully on the list for blanket making & pompom making.

And now, my beautiful baby is 6 months old. Rebekah has been eating baby food for over a month.  And loving it.  She is growing strong and happy!  Her face lights up when I come in the room, and she loves to be entertained by her sister.

And then this morning, as my husband hit snooze one last time on the alarm clock, I laid in my bed holding my little angels.  Elyzabeth and Rebekah laying between us, and our crazy dog on the end of the bed – what a perfect morning.  The only that would make it better would be having Courtney cuddling with us.

Today, I am feeling very very blessed.