If we were having coffee...

If we were having coffee, I would tell you great it is to have adult conversations.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you how great my job is going and about my newest pair of shoes.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you about the laundry I forgot in the washing machine, the dishwasher I forgot to turn on for the second night in a row, and the poor dog who hasn't been walked in weeks.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you how hard it is to think of my mother in laws last days.  I would tell you how guilty I feel for wishing the end to come sooner rather than later. I would ask you if it seemed selfish for me to want her pain to end quickly and not to linger. And I would confess that I just wanted it to be over so we could move on. 

If we were having coffee, I would be crying about all the times my mother-in-law will miss in our lives, and how she never met my baby girl.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you how much I love my children.  How when they get up in the morning with a smile it makes my heart melt.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you how over whelmed I am with being a mom, a wife, an employee and a friend.  I would tell you how I sometimes falter, and how sometimes I fail at all of them at once.

 

If we were having coffee, I would tell you how amazing my husband is.  How he just seems to know exactly what I need.  That his smile is all it takes to melt away all my insecurities.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you how much I would love to just go out and have coffee.  How I would love to have those couple of hours a week where my life didn't revolve around diapers, feedings, dance lessons, homework and favorite blankets.  

If we were having coffee, I would tell you I need to go home.  I have dinner to make, children to bath and a husband who is totally neglected.

If we were having coffee…. What would you tell me?

***Please comment… I want to hear what you have to say!***

A moment of reflection and Thanks.

I have been listening to this song from County Crows.  It’s called : LONG DECEMBER. 

It is a somber song, and made stop and reflect on the last year.

It amazes and scares me at how much can change in just 12 short months.

After 2 miscarriages, I had finally made it to the second trimester.  But the fear and anxiety was horrible!  Every time I went to the bathroom I was afraid that I would start bleeding, and lose this baby too.

I spent many nights at home alone, while my husband helped out his mom who was constantly declining.  I was constantly afraid of the phone call coming saying she had passed.   She survived several hospital visits, including twice we were not sure she would pull through.  

Every day we were holding on, wondering how long we would be able to continue to hold her.  As we celebrated Christmas, we all knew it would be her last.  But I kept praying that she would at least hold on to meet her newest granddaughter.

But in January, her health declined quickly.  And on a Sunday night, surrounded by family she passed away.

She didn't get to meet my baby.  She didn't get to see Elyzabeth's first dance recital.  Every family event since has been over shadowed with her absence.  

Rebekah's birth, mother's day, baptism, birthdays... the list just goes on and on.  And every mile stone is a reminder of what we have lost.

And through all of it, the emotions have been exhausting and paralyzing.  

And now, in the month of Thanksgiving - I find the need to be thankful.  To honor her memory the best i know how.  And that is by taking care of my family, and loving them with all of my heart.

My amazing Elyzabeth is reading and excelling in school.  Last night she read a book to herself, and found her sight words in the magazine in record time.   When I picked her up from Adventure club, she showed me the “classes” she had signed up for.  And there was her name, written beautifully on the list for blanket making & pompom making.

And now, my beautiful baby is 6 months old. Rebekah has been eating baby food for over a month.  And loving it.  She is growing strong and happy!  Her face lights up when I come in the room, and she loves to be entertained by her sister.

And then this morning, as my husband hit snooze one last time on the alarm clock, I laid in my bed holding my little angels.  Elyzabeth and Rebekah laying between us, and our crazy dog on the end of the bed – what a perfect morning.  The only that would make it better would be having Courtney cuddling with us.

Today, I am feeling very very blessed.