If we were having coffee...

If we were having coffee, I would tell you great it is to have adult conversations.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you how great my job is going and about my newest pair of shoes.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you about the laundry I forgot in the washing machine, the dishwasher I forgot to turn on for the second night in a row, and the poor dog who hasn't been walked in weeks.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you how hard it is to think of my mother in laws last days.  I would tell you how guilty I feel for wishing the end to come sooner rather than later. I would ask you if it seemed selfish for me to want her pain to end quickly and not to linger. And I would confess that I just wanted it to be over so we could move on. 

If we were having coffee, I would be crying about all the times my mother-in-law will miss in our lives, and how she never met my baby girl.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you how much I love my children.  How when they get up in the morning with a smile it makes my heart melt.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you how over whelmed I am with being a mom, a wife, an employee and a friend.  I would tell you how I sometimes falter, and how sometimes I fail at all of them at once.

 

If we were having coffee, I would tell you how amazing my husband is.  How he just seems to know exactly what I need.  That his smile is all it takes to melt away all my insecurities.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you how much I would love to just go out and have coffee.  How I would love to have those couple of hours a week where my life didn't revolve around diapers, feedings, dance lessons, homework and favorite blankets.  

If we were having coffee, I would tell you I need to go home.  I have dinner to make, children to bath and a husband who is totally neglected.

If we were having coffee…. What would you tell me?

***Please comment… I want to hear what you have to say!***

A moment of reflection and Thanks.

I have been listening to this song from County Crows.  It’s called : LONG DECEMBER. 

It is a somber song, and made stop and reflect on the last year.

It amazes and scares me at how much can change in just 12 short months.

After 2 miscarriages, I had finally made it to the second trimester.  But the fear and anxiety was horrible!  Every time I went to the bathroom I was afraid that I would start bleeding, and lose this baby too.

I spent many nights at home alone, while my husband helped out his mom who was constantly declining.  I was constantly afraid of the phone call coming saying she had passed.   She survived several hospital visits, including twice we were not sure she would pull through.  

Every day we were holding on, wondering how long we would be able to continue to hold her.  As we celebrated Christmas, we all knew it would be her last.  But I kept praying that she would at least hold on to meet her newest granddaughter.

But in January, her health declined quickly.  And on a Sunday night, surrounded by family she passed away.

She didn't get to meet my baby.  She didn't get to see Elyzabeth's first dance recital.  Every family event since has been over shadowed with her absence.  

Rebekah's birth, mother's day, baptism, birthdays... the list just goes on and on.  And every mile stone is a reminder of what we have lost.

And through all of it, the emotions have been exhausting and paralyzing.  

And now, in the month of Thanksgiving - I find the need to be thankful.  To honor her memory the best i know how.  And that is by taking care of my family, and loving them with all of my heart.

My amazing Elyzabeth is reading and excelling in school.  Last night she read a book to herself, and found her sight words in the magazine in record time.   When I picked her up from Adventure club, she showed me the “classes” she had signed up for.  And there was her name, written beautifully on the list for blanket making & pompom making.

And now, my beautiful baby is 6 months old. Rebekah has been eating baby food for over a month.  And loving it.  She is growing strong and happy!  Her face lights up when I come in the room, and she loves to be entertained by her sister.

And then this morning, as my husband hit snooze one last time on the alarm clock, I laid in my bed holding my little angels.  Elyzabeth and Rebekah laying between us, and our crazy dog on the end of the bed – what a perfect morning.  The only that would make it better would be having Courtney cuddling with us.

Today, I am feeling very very blessed.

Welcoming home Rebekah Hope.

My due date was May 15th.   From the very beginning I had a lot of anxiety about that date, and the 2 weeks leading up to the date.  Elyzabeth was in her first dance recital on May 5th, and another recital on May 12th. 

And the worse thing I could think of was missing her first recital.  Elyzabeth was SOOO excited about her recital, that for weeks she kept asking if her recital was "tomorrow".  So, I had it completely worked out.  I had the back up plan for people to do hair, take her to the rehearsal and the recital.  I had talked with my doctor about allowing me to be discharged as soon as possible.   I was totally ready!  

But when my contractions started May 2nd, just days before the recital... i started to panic.  I kept praying, "Please wait until after the recital!  Please wait!"  I couldn't imagine anything as devastating as missing Elyzabeth's stage debut!    Luckily for me, we made it through an awesome rehearsal.

On Stage, and determined to get every step right!

Elyzabeth and her friend Ella, post rehearsal.

Although my contractions continued to intensify through Sunday, I was determined to make it through the recital.

My friend Mary, and the closest I came to belly photos.

Elyzabeth and me.

Always daddy's girl.

Elyzabeth & Ella with their hard earned flowers!

Although I made it through the recital, I had a feeling i would not be making it to work the next day.  And through Sunday night into Monday morning my contractions started coming faster.  By 4 am they were 5-6 min apart and we decided to head into the hospital.

I am one of those people who always things of plan B.  If this doesn't work out, what is my next option.  So, going to the hospital I was more worried about making sure Elyzabeth was the first person to meet the baby, than how my labor was going to be.  I was getting an epidural, that was already planned.  And I am pretty sure it was the first thing I had said to the nurse, "I want the epidural."

What I didn't realize at the time was there wasn't going to be an epidural.  And there wasn't going to be any pushing either.  

We were in the hospital almost an hour when the nurse checked my progress and announced the baby's butt was down.  I don't remember exactly what my response was, but i know that there were a few profanities thrown in.   

Two ultrasounds later, I am being taken back into surgery.  

Of all the scenarios that ran through my head, a c-section was never on the list.  I had discussed all other possibilities, but never a c-section.  So when the on call surgeon said my only option was a c-section, I cried and I cried.  I wasn't prepared!  It meant three days in the hospital, a longer recovery, and missing my Elyzabeth for way to long.  I was scared out of my mind.

For those of you who have never experienced a c-section, it isn't like they show in the movies and on TV.  First, you go back to the Operating Room by yourself.  I made them wheel the entire bed into the OR, because I was pretty sure if my feet hit the ground I was going to be running for the door!

Once you are back in the OR, they start telling you all these things they are going to do to you.  Needles, and meds, and cuts.... And then they tell you all the things that can go wrong.  They were seriously freaking me out!  However, by this time I was literally TIED to the bed, so I wasn't going anywhere.  But I snapped, like only I can do!  I looked at them all and said (rather hysterically), "Too many words, stop talking!  Just do what you need to do, stop telling me everything you are doing."  

At that point, the nice male med student came over and offered to hold my hand.  He said, "I know I am not your husband, but I can hold your hand until he gets here."  And he did, because it was another ten minutes before they were ready for my husband to come into the room.  

And when he did, our daughter was born shortly after.  A beautiful baby girl with thick dark hair, ten little fingers and ten little toes.  We didn't get a picture of that moment, because our camera was still in the car.  We were expecting to have a couple of hours of labor before she came... 

But we got plenty of pictures later.  

Elyzabeth was the first one to meet Rebekah.   And she was a super proud big sister.  This picture makes me so proud to be their mom.

A partial Family photo... waiting for Courtney to come home for the summer to complete our family photo.

Elyzabeth supervising the Pediatrician as she checks out Rebekah.

And Once we finally made it home from the hospital, story time!

Although it went nothing like I had planned, it turned out okay.  There are things I wish would be different:

      I wish I would have made it to the mother's day recital, but I was in too much pain to make the drive, or sit for 2 hours.  Luckily, my amazing husband was there with a dozen white roses for our dancing princess.

     I wish my mother in law was alive to meet Rebekah, but her body was just too broken to make it this long.  But I know she is watching from heaven and very happy we didn't name our baby Ronald.

Right now, I am just thankful that I have an amazing family and amazing daughters.

And thankful, that i can put my own shoes on once again.